We can relate to each other a lot, especially when we have the occasional meaningful talks on MSN. We're too busy to meet up face-to-face! ;_; I think we all need to meet up for lunch or something one day and just recount our lives to each other, get back into the swing of things. I feel like I'm getting farther and farther away from my 212 friends!
Especially since I'll be sticking in 312/412 and we won't be moving classes anymore. We'll grow closer and closer to our classmates and then more distant with our friends in other classes. I hope not! But I myself begin to feel the distance. It's partly caused by me, perhaps!
Now I've spread the word. The word being 'limerence'. It seems that most of us can relate to the experience in one way or another. I think I have two limerent objects. Maybe it's because they are quite alike. I mean, don't people usually look for characteristics they like in others? Wouldn't that result in more than one so-called candidate?
The most painful thing about this is the fact that it feels like a vicious circle. They're not always topmost in my mind but I still do like them. The limerent reaction is strongest after an encounter with them, and then it'll stick in my head for days on end. It'll fade off after some time when I'm preoccupied with current stresses, but oh look! With yet another encounter again comes the limerent reaction at its strongest, days and days on end...it repeats with every new encounter.
And there's also that delusional hope, you holding out for acceptance and reciprocation that might never come at all. Maybe you keep telling yourself, There's no way they can ever like me back! but then again you still hope that there's a small flame, a chance somewhere in there that they do like you back. It seems like disappointment's a constant friend for the all the years you wait.
Limerence can last for years, and right now I'd say I'm somewhere around three years. It should stop soon, but with that vicious cycle described above it seems like it won't ever stop. An essay I read said that there is no real solution to limerence: you simply find another limerent object. Which is no solution at all because you're just going to repeat it. All. Over. Again.
A strong affection and fondness for the past may be exactly what's driving my limerence, and constantly updated by the present. A circle has no end until I cut it and form yet another neverending circle. Over and over and over again.
Round and round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.
I am quite sick of acting like some hormonal, boy-crazed-stalker teenager.
Which, basically put, means I am quite sick of being a normal teenager.
Why?
It definitely makes me feel stupider. One moment I'll be like "OMGWTFBBQOHSQUEE~" and grinning like a Cheshire Cat. The next moment I'll slap myself and go "YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A BIMBO.DO YOU WANT TO BE A BIMBO? NO. BE SANE, YOU GIT".
This, however, does not mean that everytime I grin like an idiot and slap myself immediately after it's because I'm thinking about someone.
Actually it does, but not necessarily pertaining to real-life people.
It's not even a real thing, for crying out loud. It's a retrograde...limerence. I HATE USING THE C-WORD. Limerence seems to describe it rather aptly, but I have to emphasise that the condition in my case is mild, as in I don't fantasize to the point of sexual fantasies. Ew. o_o and if you've actually checked up Wikipedia by now, I'd say I'm somewhere around Stage 4 in the limerence reaction, just without the "inordinate fear of rejection". More of an inordinate fear of what happens if reciprocation DOES actually occur. Now that's scary. It's not really a fear of commitment, but rather what to do when the commitment begins. I predict a lot of relationship troubles for me in the future. >_> At least I know what I'm getting into.
Speaking of which, I don't think I'll ever enjoy the carnal act. It sounds absolutely and horribly gross but unfortunately necessary for childmaking. I bet Singapore bemoans people like me who threaten to completely do away with a birth rate. Unfortunately, this dislike of "doing the dirty" might mean I won't get married at all. Have you ever heard of stories where married couples stay together without doing it at all? Well, I haven't. It seems like everyone's interested in sex! Maybe I'll change my mind when I've grown up, but right now it just seems gross.
I wonder what it's like to be a spinster.
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I bet you think that was a really odd post. So do I. But guess what you gained from it? You now know what limerence means! If you bothered to look it up, anyway. Which I trust that you did, because I believe people who read my blog are curious people. THAT IS GOOD. CURIOSITY IS GOOD. Even if it kills the cat, but that's the cat's fault if it went too near a mousetrap with a dead mouse in it. No, actually I like cats.
Specifically Maryam's cat Marble, which I can describe as "stone". It doesn't scratch at all! I liked Coco at first, until it scratched my finger while I tried to pet its paw. Okay, my bad, but still.
So. I shan't talk about my Math test. Ms Xiang says that she thinks most people or all of us passed the retest, but I'm not so sure about that. After all, I forgot quadratic graphs aren't negative!
Give me a damn point for putting in effort because I HATE graphs.
I think I'm naturally drawn to mangas/anime that are supernatural and sci-fi themed. First it was Ghost Hunt, I think I chose that over Gacha Gacha (which I now know is an ecchi manga, lol?). Then it was Terra e..., Tokyo Babylon, X/1999 and now E'S. The thing that links most of them together is that they contain supernatural elements like psychic abilities and paranormal activity.
Kai Kudou in E'S really reminds me of Kamui Shirou in X! There was this cute scene between him and Yuuki though, because he was masquerading as a woman in order to accomplish a job. >: D And Eiji reminds me of Lin. The hair! But his eyes aren't covered at all.
I checked Kinokuniya's BookWeb catalogue and apparently they do have the Terra E manga, but it's like $25. O.O?! The hell? I guess it's pretty thick and it's the whole original storyline but still - whoa. If I want to read it I've got to wait til I have more money, then.
I WANT THERE BEYOND THE BEYOND VOLUME FIVE TO COME OUT NOWWWW. AND BLOOD+ VOLUME THREE. D :< SINCE I CAN'T FIND THEM ONLINE.
I tried watching Neo Angelique Abyss yesterday. I doubt it's my cup of tea at all. I mean, okay, some of the guys look pretty hot, BUT THE GIRL. THE WAY SHE RUNS. HER VOICE AND NAIVETY. Kinda annoys me, hahaha. Or just that the story is really cliched.
Oh man, I improved loads for 2.4km run this year! Must be due to all the running Celeste made us do for PT. I really hated the rounds, but it paid off! Brenda's time was 14:14, and I wasn't expecting to do well so I thought it'd be really cool to have her timing since I'd be improving five seconds a year (14:24, 14:19, 14:14).
Everyone looked half-dead while they were running, I got quite discouraged. I was hoping that when I ran, I wouldn't look that dead to everyone observing. People said I looked quite alright, but I think I must've had some degree of dead-ness.
I RAN 13:20+!
Wan Jiun was faster than me by ten seconds because she started chionging earlier than I did. So I'm the second fastest in class so far. I improved by about a whole minute >: D
Zi Qi and I ate Cheezels/Tiger Biscuits and Marigold Jelly before the run. xDD PEACH! Zi Qi bought the mango version because there wasn't any peach left and there was only one mango anyway, compared to the pile of custard pudding and aloe vera.
I think I'm going to quit programming. No, rather I am going to quit programming. I can't deliver the level of commitment required to actually be good at the damn subject, and the Malay play rehearsals and prep are coming up. Maybe I'm better off not programming computers, but rather BUILDING them. It's a great way to save money too, and get the specific requirements you want.
I feel like such a quitter though! Maybe I'll find something I can actually stick with somewhere in the future. -----------
My computer got repaired! Well, it still has some weird problems like missing files and the sound card not working, so...doesn't matter! I still have the Internet and other more important computer capabilities. I backed up my Pokemon Emerald saved game, just in case. Oh look, see how I treasure my games over anything else. I don't really have any important documents to save...not that I can remember, anyway.
ARGH. The Saturday is almost over. I think I'll go to Sun Plaza later and get myself a Slurpee with the voucher. If it works.
To put it plainly, it really goddamn sucks to be fully aware of how ordinary one is as compared to the rich lives of other 'overachievers'.
They can draw beautifully, they can play an instrument (heck, even if it's piano), they can debate and make speeches, they can write imaginative and witty stories, they do well in exams and homework and they are so punctual they don't have bookings and they are so skilled in so many areas I just can't-!
I just can't do it.
What can I do that makes me just so ever slightly different from others? I can't play a single instrument let alone the recorder, the only thing I can draw a weeny little mushroom-heads, I can't for the life of me stand up to deliver an argument, I can't instantly come up with witty and sarcastic tales off the top of my mind, I struggle in my studies and I can't force myself to study, I'm almost always late for school (here we go my hate-hate relationship with prefects) and I can't even take proper authority!
I feel like I watch more often than I participate because I don't know how I can contribute positively. I don't know if I can handle the attention or stress of being in charge of a task or something. I prefer to watch and observe how everyone else does it first before at least attempting something on my own.
Not necessarily confined to tasks, of course. When it comes to personal matters, perhaps, I can't bring myself to say what I really want to. I don't know if I can handle what consequences follow the action of admitting my feelings. Sure, I can openly express 'safe' feelings like excitement and happiness, but when it comes to things like anger, sadness and love then I have to think twice if what I do will affect other people around me, especially the last factor. Love is an especially fickle fiend.
Observing is detaching yourself from the goings-on around you and simply letting the feelings and actions be. It does not grant you full invulnerability from the actions that happen around you, and it does not necessarily lessen the pain. It may actually hurt you more to watch than to participate.
My nature is to watch, and simply watch. At times it lessens the pain, dulls it, numbs it. At times, it intensifies as a chronic twinge in my heart until I feel like plunging a knife in would just take it all away.
Whatever happens, I am still watching and waiting, waiting and watching, but hardly ever participating.
Damn! I want a simple blogskin! As in really simple, no funky graphics except the header and just spaces for the blog posts, tagbox and links. >: I don't like the Blogger templates because I can't figure out how to add a header. Tried looking for "simple" blogskins on blogskins.com, but apparently everyone's definition of simple still requires some flashy background and cursor.
I fell asleep really early last night. At like, 11pm. On the dusty mat in my sister's room. o.o;; So then I woke up at 7.30am today, the house being very quiet and serene with the soft warm sunlight filtering through the windows. Still, even with eight hours of sleep under my nonexistent belt, I conked out for a four-hour nap at 11am.
ORA yesterday was quite alright. Arrived at 7.30+ for my Infocomm club shift (which was supposed to start at 7, but who cared). Basically slacked around the whole day, hurhurhur. As expected, I saw the ex-Rosythians including TG, who was forced to go for Walk-a-Jogathon. Would've loved to see that.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, sorry TG.
Saw Russell Lim first, followed by Chev and Aaron. TG was in the hall briefly, I assume he left school shortly after since he doesn't have a very good opinion of RI, to say the least. Nick Quah was lingering in the hall as well. Talked with Gifford for a while near the Kemama Shop (WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT NAME, DAMMIT?!), he was one of the DJs on the sound system. Which shorted out when the thunderstorm started and lightning got really bad. The speakers near my class stall acted funky after that incident.
Kirk, being a prefect, got dunked. I wonder why PB always does dunking booths. Is it because they understand the student population's rage against bookings and prefects and thus dunking booth = YEAH GET DUNKED YOU FUCKING PREFECT! THAT WAS FOR MY DAMN SOCKS! THAT WAS FOR MY DAMN NAMETAG! AND THAT WAS FOR MY FAKE CAR BREAKDOWN!
...
Heh.
Anyway, our Milo booth was kinda...um...I don't know. Sad? Pathetic? We did sell some Milo, but our presentation was...er...Er. Doubtful. Some said it looked half-drunk, while quite a number agreed it looked unappetizing. I mean, our toppings basically sunk to the bottom of the drink. WE SHOULD'VE ADDED WHIPPED CREAM! DDDD: Too late for that.
I spent $8 at ORA, much less than $20 I brought just in case I had to spend more. I bought a coconut from GB ($2) which I spent a long time trying to empty so that I could eat the flesh inside. I bought a badge for SL ($2) proclaiming 'LEAF ME ALONE!' which I found very suitable to say, if I had the courage to, to people selling things. Then I bought cream puffs ($1) and chocolate pudding ($1) from the Perbayu stall (SEE I SUPPORT THEM!), and lastly 2 of my class' own Milo drinks ($2).
I wanted a soft toy, in retrospect. D:
Edit: I was looking at the most recent post in Random Screenshots in the GE forum, and the screenshot had a dialogue saying, "TG! I CHOOSE YOU!". I'm now aware it refers to the Treasure Golem the player summoned, but at first glance I went...
There was a recent newspaper article on the topic of women being taller than their husbands or boyfriends. Apparently quite a lot of people do look at height as being one of the factors behind choosing a partner. Guys prefer girls shorter than them and vice versa for girls.
So...
Hah! I'm only 154cm tall so there's absolutely no problem for me. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of guys out there taller than that. (Duh.) Hem hem.
According to Wikipedia, American girls attain adult height at 14-15 years of age and girls usually attain adult height about four years after the onset of puberty. Let's see...not a lot of hope for me to grow taller, then. If that estimation is quite accurate that'd mean I'd reach adult height at 15 1/2 years old. Of course, they did say people sometimes grow up until 18 years of age, so there may be a slim chance.
Looking at how my older sisters are faring though, probably not.
There goes my dream of being at least 157cm. I shall be relegated to be forever 5cm shorter than the national average of 160cm.
I'm quite fine with my height though. I'm still tall enough to hold the handgrabs on the MRT (not tall enough for those on the buses, though) and tall enough to accidentally whack the hanging lights in my house if I'm not careful. I don't mind if there are taller people than me (cough cough), it's just the way genes go. I've been drinking litres of milk over the past year and so far I think it does more good to my teeth than my bones.
Always look on the bright side of life. That was why my top five values in CLE were: (in order of merit) Humour, Love, Independence, Creativity and Excitement. My description of Humour was simply "Hee hee hee". Those who know me and have seen me laughing randomly should get it.
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NAPFA today! What the shit man.
I set a new personal record for SBJ, jumping 1.69m (which, by the way, is taller than me!). WHEE~ Everything else was okay, except for IPU as usual. Mr Cheong only counted nine for me, which is ONE AWAY from a C that I needed! I nearly cried, dammit. "There is no bar." - Mr Cheong
Unfortunately, even as he said that, he still counted the IPUs based on whether you touched the apparently nonexistent bar and whether you did a "body wave".
Took the retest, thankfully the teacher was much slacker and I managed a C. Phew! Celeste would've killed me if I didn't get a Gold, seeing as I'm one of the PTIs. Must set a good example!
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Quotes of the Day: Courtesy of Ms Ong
"Keep quiet. You can vibrate by yourself."
"OK Joy, I won't tease you anymore. You can stop vibrating."
Joy, for some unknown reason, was unnaturally joyful during the SS lesson and kept 'vibrating' from her laughter spasms.
"Welcome to Singapore. Global city and choice home. 4.5 million units."
Commenting on one of Singapore's principles of governance.
Post. Or else the blog will be a stagnant wreck, but it won't matter really when hardly anyone reads it. Why do I bother?
Oh yeah. To keep track of memories. Also the reason why I haven't switched to blogs with convenient comment areas like Wordpress and Livejournal. I can't ship all 400 posts over, can I? I mean, I can keep Blogger but I'm just sentimentally attached. Too much so, I suppose. A CHANGE OF BLOGSKIN IS IN ORDER.
Anyway, went to school early today with my mom to hand in my Chem worksheet. Well, that for me. My mom was attending some HML briefing at school. After handing in my worksheet, I headed off to RI even though I knew I was gonna be late. I WAS SO TEMPTED TO PON. (Actually, maybe I should have since there was only me and one other girl there except the RI students.)
I shall not comment much on programming, but part of me wishes that I will just work harder on it while the other part wants Perbayu to hurry up with the play so that it'll occupy my Saturdays, forcing me to quit. DAMN IT. Tieria has it lucky that's he has that inbuilt ability to interface with computers...or just Veda. But his personal skill is programming!
I planned to get off at the underpass opposite RJC but I fell asleep and instead alighted at Thomson Plaza. Crossed the overhead bridge to the opposite bus stop and waited for a 410. On the 410...I briefly fell asleep. Again.
Today I saw a total of three Rosythians, which is quite a lot for one day. o.o Considering I didn't go for the comm meeting, which I'm sorry to say to TG, I completely forgot about. I met Weng Hong on the 410 bus after I woke up, Mark at Thomson Plaza KFC and Adil at the BH debate competition. At KFC I was like, "Hey, that looks like Mark washing his hands o.o;;;". Then he walked past my table and he stopped and went, "You're from Rosyth, right?". That was probably the most unexpected one ever.
DAMN TRAFFIC JAMS ON SATURDAYS. I was stuck for 10+ minutes on 410 to Thomson Plaza after programming, and 1 hour+ on 980 to Sultan Mosque. That was when TG called me to ask if I was busy, and then I remembered the comm meeting. Whups.
I LOVE TAKING PUBLIC TRANSPORT. FTW! There's a great feeling from having to navigate bus routes by yourself to get to your desired destination, and you get to look at the scenery passing by too. It could help in locating places in future. :B I don't get Sarah's obsession with taxis. It's expensive, and anyway I hate the smell of the upholstery. Some even have super-strong lemon fresheners.
The Malay pidato competition was brilliant. Some were great, some had nervous breakdowns on stage...while some were unnecessarily flashy and dramatic. Adil handled his topic well, though. It was "Bilawal Bhutto, the son of the late Benazir Bhutto, is competent enough to enter the Pakistan political scene". If one hasn't been keeping up on world events, it would have been a very difficult subject indeed since it specifically states the person to talk about. There's no way you can fake information on that. He definitely knew his stuff! I was fervently hoping he'd make it, and I needn't have worried at all.
The most hilarious topic so far for me (since I wasn't there to watch the morning's topics) was the one "Apples have a higher nutritional value than oranges". WTH?! An apples and oranges argument!
The thing was supposed to end at 5.30pm though, and it extended all the way until 7pm. I took the 980 bus home and fell asleep on the 1 hour+ journey. So refreshing! *w*
I WILL STAY UP TONIGHT TO PLAY. AND UH, PRACTICE PROGRAMMING >: I am making headway with the Anagrams problem.
HETALIA!<33
mai OTP: Denmark/Norway
Nordic nations
Prussia <3
wishlist
TRAVEL THE WORLD, YO.
1. A GPS unit
2. A good pair of binos 3. Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss 4. Farthest North by Fridtjof Nansen 5. Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Garrard
